How I Became a Tech Without Wanting To

Somewhere along the line, technology took over my life because someone didn't keep my Mom up with how it works. My Mom is 78 and technology...is not her friend. Most of her problem is all the people in her life have gadget envy and continually mess with her wonderful toys. When she learns to tell her kids and grandkids to, frankly, "keep your hands off my shit" her life will get much easier. But, she lets people "help" her by trying what THEY would do so they can use HER technology. This NEVER works, people. If you are going to help someone set up THEIR technological toy, you have to use passwords and usernames that make sense to THEM! Not YOU! Some of you may be saying "what the hell does this have to do with clogging?" Not a damned thing! This is not your blog! Get off me. I'm on a roll. So, for those of you who hear that the iPad is so simple, a monkey can use it. BULLSHIT! My Mom has a college degree and is world renowned. (She is certainly smarter than a monkey!) This damned machine pisses her off on a regular basis because it doesn't have a keyboard and she is no longer in the 3G/4G instant connect world. She is in rural Iowa where she is connecting with Verizon wireless...when she can get a signal. She went from urban So.CA where she had Fios and 4G as backup. This does NOT help. She expects it to instantly respond...and it doesn't. Today's issue was connecting to her blog (you can check it out at blibri.blogspot.com, I think) which is linked to her Gmail account. She was logged into her Gmail account on HER iPad when she left CA. SOMEBODY logged her out - probably to check their own shit - and she no longer had instant access to her stuff. This triggered a phone call to my house, while I was in the shower. Now, my shower is not a sacred ritual by any means. But come on! Let me finish my shower in peace! My daughter came in, phone in hand, and told me Mom was on the phone. "She can't get on her blog." I'm thinking, "let me pull a computer out off my ass and fix the problem WHILE I'M WET AND NAKED!" She asks if I can call her back when I get out. Yes, what a great idea! We (my daughter, her maid of honor, & I) were going to a dress fitting...did I mention I'm planning a wedding? Anyway, I called Mom from my cell phone and she told her tale of Internet torture. I told her I'd see what I could do and call her back. Now, my iPad is a lowly iPad2 and is not 3G so even if I have it with me, I can't access the Internet without WiFi. (This verbiage means nothing to my Mom.) I didn't have it with me anyway, and I couldn't figure out her issues without a PC, laptop, or an iPad with a connection. (This also doesn't mean shit to Mom.) So when I got home, I got on my PC and went to Google. I logged into Mom's gmail, I went to her blog and it works JUST FINE! I called her house. No answer. I called her cell phone. No answer. I called Dad's cell phone. No answer. WTF? This was some urgent shit! I had to get it done! ARRRGH! Anyway, I finished some other stuff. I had dinner. I called Mom after everyone else had either gone to bed or work or school or wherever else they needed to be and got her back on Google. I walked her through logging in and where she could find her blog. Then I told her, "tell everyone that comes into your house, 'don't touch my shit! You all have your own technology at your own homes. If you log me out from MY iPad, I will fly Mary to Iowa to KICK YOUR ASS! You can do your Internet shit from YOUR phone, YOUR computer, or YOUR laptop. This technology is MINE! Don't fuck with it!'" I expect a call tomorrow afternoon.